Quote Originally Posted by Appliance Guy View Post
This is funny...
Good you have a sense of humour

To the citizens of the United States of America. from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

We (my husband and I) see that all the candidates for the forthcoming Election for the next President of the U.S.A. are nincompoops. In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President and thus govern yourselves properly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence with immediate effect.

As Sovereign Majesty I will resume Monarchical Duties over all States, the Commonwealth and Territories (except North Dakota, which I do not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America (could be Boris Johnson) without the need for further elections. Congress will be disbanded and a questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1.The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'There is no such thing as U.S. English - we will inform Microsoft on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted accordingly.

2.Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (please look up 'vocabulary'). It is ‘lift’ not ‘elevator – ‘dinner jacket’ not ‘tux’ – it’s a ‘lavatory’ not a ‘rest room’.

3.Using the same twenty-seven words over and over interspersed with filler noises such as ‘er’, ‘basically’, 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

4.July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday - you can celebrate my birthday instead.

5.You will learn to resolve personal issues without the use of guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many guns, lawyers and therapists shows that you're not yet ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse either andwill no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. However, a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6.All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the correct (left) side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been incorrectly calling gas) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8.You will learn to make real Potato Chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real Potato Chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with tomato catsup but with salt and vinegar.

9.The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth -- see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that it will be sold without risk of further confusion.

10.Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters - watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of football - the kind you call soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. You will also stop playing Baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there IS a world outside of America, your error is understandable. You will learn to play Cricket and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You will tell us who killed JFK. (It's been driving the Palace mad).

14. An internal revenue agent (tax collector to you) from Her Majesty's Government will shortly be arriving in America to collect monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Note that daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers (never mugs) and tea to be accompanied with high quality biscuits (not 'cookies') and cakes and with strawberries and cream when in season.